Archive for February, 2007

The Easy Silence

It has been an exciting year so far, and we’re just only into March. I never knew with such clarity and certainty before, until now, that an intimate walk with Abba could yield so much in such a short space of time.

The Christian walk, I believe, is so eminently fulfilling because of Jesus’s sacrifice at the Cross. He accomplished what we could never have even if we had time that spanned the entirety of worldly existence to strive and struggle for the very thing that denies fleshly effort.

Grace came down and trudged up Calvary to seal the covenant He promised. He took upon Himself what we rightfully deserved according to divine law, and in exchange He gave us everything we could never possess.

Knowing that humbles me utterly, because it drives me to discard my rough, homespun cloak of self-righteousness and to instead don the grace-given robe of Jesus’s righteousness that glorifies the One who gave it all. For me. Just me.

These past few months have been part of a season of inward growth and moulding of character. I have realised that it is this teaching, correction, guiding and leading inspired from Abba that will govern the man I am and will become in the years to come. Wisdom also whispers that this learning will never, nor should it ever, stop – this is because it is a journey that continues until I dwell with my Lord for the rest of eternity in Heaven.

I am thus reminded of one of my favourite quotes (which I once, foolishly perhaps, scribbled on an ill-fated Valentine’s Day card during my ‘wonder years’): “Journeys end in lovers’ meeting.”

I regard this season as a very precious one. A constant reminder from Abba is that it is the condition of my inward man, the very heart of me, and the spirit that is inextricably entwined with His, that He regards as the most important. This is why my verse for this season is Matthew 6:33 – to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness.

Some of us have the tendency to fixate on the material blessings given to us – I am no different – as if they are a barometer of unerring accuracy of our spiritual walk. Yet, as the somewhat cliched saying goes, “Give a man a fish, you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish, and you have fed him for a lifetime”.

Perhaps the changes that Abba has wrought in me may not be immediately obvious to the indifferent observer just yet, it however matters very little to me. The physical realm still plays catch-up to the spiritual one at any rate, after all. I believe that this is why we are called to walk by faith and not by sight, being essentially beings of the spirit and not the physical. When we pray in tongues we might not see the manifestions immediately in the physical, but in the spiritual strongholds are cast down, chains broken, the very gates of Hell assailed by the heavenly host.

Just as Paul said: “Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.” (Gal 5:25)

So this is why in this season, and I pray as I shall do in every season Abba brings me through, I give thanks to Him. Even so I rejoice in the inexpressible joy that I, in myself so undeserving, may be blessed to such a magnificent degree.

I give thanks for Jesus, my Saviour Lord. I give thanks for the overwhelming, trying times that teach me to rest in Him; I give thanks for the beautiful Christ-filled people He has placed in my life; I give thanks for the times of quiet and times of dancing and singing; I give thanks for boldness through love and guiding my eyes to look to Him; I give thanks for mentors and leaders who speak right into my situations with His heart of love, with kara; I give thanks for a joy that surges above the fatigue from serving; I give thanks for the purpose and direction He has placed in my life.

Thank You for Love, Abba. I don’t know what else to say.. but I know that You know.

P.S And all I wanted to write about was my Chinese New Year.. heh.

More to Come

Well, happy Valentine’s Day!

It was indeed well-spent. A quiet dinner at home with my best girl, my younger brother and sister. How I’ve missed these nondescript family dinners, when in my childhood and adolescence I would avoid having dinner with my family whenever possible. And due to my parents’ busy work schedules, even such dinners were rare.

Now only if my mum would sit down at the table instead of always busying herself!

Today I helped move some of the few boxes left unpacked into the storeroom, while leaving some that contained documents and papers that my mum has yet to go through. Soon enough we shall have finally sorted out the living room into presentable condition; all that’s left is my room, which is sadly rather squalid as my elder brother has not yet unpacked his stuff ever since we moved here – his reason being that he shall be moving out soon (this June) after he’s married.

In any case, my journey with Abba has been nothing short of awesome. He has been showing me things, little details about His word, such as tithing and serving, and giving with it fresh revelation. I think some of you who read this journal of mine will understand when I say that sometimes, words just can’t describe that kind of feeling. Coach Maddy also spoke to me for a while after Love Actually on Saturday, which was also another confirmation on another rather important aspect of my life.

I wish I could write more now, but this post is just an update of sorts – even though I dislike writing such rambling entries that do not really say anything worth reading. If you agree, then, well, just take it as I merely thinking aloud.

Thank you Lord, for this beautiful, purposeful walk with You. Thank you for Love that died on Calvary’s cross for me. Thank you for the fullness and abundance of this life that I have with You. Thank you for your unending mercies and the bounties of Your grace.

Thank you that I can call you Abba, Father.

You Lift Me Up

There isn’t much time left for my assignments and I’m stuck at one of them. Tonight is Denise’s birthday party, while I’m serving tomorrow with an early reunion dinner in the evening. I do the math and realise that that leaves me only three days to complete two of my assignments!

Despite facing a weekend and early week of (possibly) frantic writing, which is never the kind of feeling you want to be in when doing so, I’m still earnestly looking forward to serving on Saturday; curiously the desire has been building up inside me for the past two weeks, even if I am, in the worldly sense, connecting wires, doing heavy lifting or any kind of odd-job errands that might need doing.

Truly, when we start to realise how beautiful our humble work is to Abba, because every one in the body of Christ is no less important or blessed than the next person, it changes you from the inside out. When the Bible says that what ever we do, do unto the Lord, it is not to frighten us into subservience or grudging obedience – it is truly for our own good to do so. The only question is whether we still believe that Abba will still bless you as much as someone in a more prominent ministry. Do you?

Yet I filled with such hope. Merely glimpsing the heart of my Abba assures me this: Yes Indeed! How can He give or gift me less when we have all received the same gift, that which is Jesus Christ our Lord? There is such power when we confess the Word and step into the revelatory knowledge of our Father’s heart; for we walk by faith and not by sight, and where there is faith, there is where we shall see the Holy Spirit manifest in all of our Father’s glory.

In any case, even with the busy days ahead, I will not allow myself to be panicked and be robbed of this joy I have inside of me, this God-breathed sense of expectancy for this Saturday’s seminar and the year ahead. I am excited for the Word preached on Saturday and also for the work I do as I serve. Indeed, this joy must definitely come from the Lord.

Abba reminds me that He is ever faithful to His promises. The righteous lack no good thing in the Lord, and I declare now in Jesus’s name that all my evil circumstances are subject to the authority of my Father in Heaven!

“Our kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and your dominion endures through all generations.
The LORD is faithful to all his promises
and loving toward all he has made.

The LORD upholds all those who fall
and lifts up all who are bowed down.

The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food at the proper time.

You open your hand
and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

The LORD is righteous in all his ways
and loving toward all he has made.

The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.

He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.”
Psalms 145:13-19

Beyond Price

Abba, you are simply amazing. It is moments like this that I love, when I am confronted by the sheer majesty and beauty of Your heart and goodness that I am rendered speechless in awe. Moments when I can only remain silent and lift my hands, stretching them forth before heaven, and simply being still to worship you. I imagine myself silently dashing into Your arms in the throne room, and hearing Your cry of delight as you sweep me into a fatherly embrace.

Thank you for the privilege of witnessing what happened tonight. As the three of us gathered in that small area behind the curtains to pray, we were enveloped in a comforting darkness, though we could see well enough by the light that filtered through the gaps. It was a place of quietness and safety, which seemed to me rather fitting for the matter at hand. I felt like an intruder however, as if I were not supposed to be there, a brutish lout barging into a secret conversation that only You and the ladies were privy too.

As she prayed over her, I felt your Spirit rushing around us like a roaring flood. Its immediacy was astonishing, but its gentleness was a soothing, familiar touch. However, I found myself a spectator instead, as if You were giving me a glimpse of how You saw all your ‘daddy’s little girls’. Precious gems beyond price, being cut with an intricacy and deftness as befits the superior skill of a master craftsman or jeweller. I saw You setting them into precious metals, enhancing their infinite value, while also granting them purpose.

All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.” Songs 4:7

That is how You see them. I ask that you engrave that into my heart, soul, mind and Spirit, that I may not forget nor foolishly take for granted. You are showing me the secrets of Your heart that is always, always turned towards your people. Abba, once again you have left me in awe of Your majesty.

All glory to You in the highest!

You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;
you have stolen my heart
with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.”
Songs 4:9

2 A.M

It was 2 A.M in the morning and all was quiet, as it ought be at such a time. The house was asleep, the only sounds in the room being the languid whir of the fan and the peaceful stillness of the night air.

I was tired, as I well should have been. I had roused out of bed early the morning before, so I did not get as much sleep as I would have liked. I was quite exhausted, and felt sleep pressing heavily upon my eyelids.

Curiously, sleep did not come swiftly, and I felt a disquiet pulsing within me, depriving me of my much-needed rest. It was puzzling, no doubt, for I thought I was done with the day, having laid aside the disappointment stemming from the failure of my test and settled it with Abba.

I asked Him, “Why can’t I sleep, Abba? What is amiss?”

Abba told me this, which I heard very clearly despite my tiredness: “I want you to pray now. Pray for yourself, that you may realise the plans I have laid out for you. That you may see my grace in every situation, whether good or seemingly ill, so you will know that I am working all things for your good. See and know my heart of love for you, that you will understand that nothing that happens is by chance or coincidence. Everything has its appointed time, and I promise you now that despite your failure, only good things shall come because of it. See not your lack, but give thanks for the abundance and surfeit of blessings I have already placed in your life. Pray that you shall witness them.”

As I’d said earlier, I was tired and desperately wanted to sleep, so in all eloquence I replied, “Um, okay. Anything else?”

“Yes. Pray for her. Pray that I shall form a hedge of protection around her, that I will guard her heart and mind, and a shield against all forms of evil. Pray that I be established firmly in her heart, that she might seek me for her security and comfort and not in Man. Pray that she will know that I am her defender, her high tower and Rock of refuge. For nothing that comes against my beloved shall prosper, for I am her Lord.”

I was stumped as to why Abba would ask me to pray this, but I did so anyway. Surprisingly, the words came easily, and as soon as I was done, I slipped into blissful sleep.

World Beaters

And maggi goreng lovers too!

A Bitter Cup of Failure

I failed my driving test.

I’m just gonna be frank and say that I’m absolutely gutted.

I got penalised with 46 points even.. which is more than enough for two failures! I don’t think I’m a bad driver. I finished all the modules in less than 15 lessons, managed to clear the circuit with no mishaps during my practices.

Everything that could go wrong did. It seems unbecoming to blame the tester, and say that he was finding fault with everything I did.

So despite prayer, speaking in tongues, placing my hope in Abba, I still failed.

What happened? A simple driving test is just that, isn’t it?

Perhaps I was too prideful and confident in my own ability to pass. I don’t know. Perhaps Abba has something better in store for me. I wish I knew. I thought I could drive to CG today, and fetch some of the fellow easties back too. Oh, how grand would that have been!

I know that I might seem a little childish, to rant and rave in such a manner, but when things don’t work out as you had prayed for them to, what happens then? Why does it happen?

Abba, show me You are real. Show me You are ever faithful. Show me how this shall work towards my good, that there shall be no doubt whatsoever that You are my Abba God.

Teach me if I have erred in my thoughts, mould me as You have intended and reveal again the endless bounty of everything needful, good and excellent that is found in You. Give me wisdom that I might see the harvest and not disdain the sowing; grant me a thankful heart so I can sing Your praise regardless of my surrounding tumult.

Hold fast to me and immerse me in Your love; I turn to You because you will never turn away from me.

Your child,
J