This photo looks like something out of Murakami’s books. Weird surrealist fiction, painfully ordinary male protagonists, strange alluring women, with words that leap straight out of imagination.

It’s been a whirl of a few days. But nothing beats hearing zoe-infused sharing from two wonderful leaders. Better than mindblowing buffet dinners, maple-syrupy waffles with ice cream, fresh oysters that taste of a vast briny ocean that shimmers at noon, or desserts served in shot glasses.

Only You can bring true transformation. Here’s to taking a stand and bidding farewell to foolishnness, to standing firm on my righteousness and speaking truth, to wishing love to travel across analogue phone lines and digital frequencies, to playing guitar and singing to an audience of One.

Here’s to life, and to the Love that is sweeter than life itself.

‘Cos nothing else really matters.

The words have been eluding me, and my fingertips write silence, like giant word balloons with nothing in them. How do you write a smile, a laugh, or a sound of a voice? How do you write lovers speaking in quiet voices underneath a star-filled sky? It’s not a bad thing to be silent; maybe I’m just selfish and I want to keep all these things to myself, to be unafraid, triumphant, and free.

Secret words with secret smiles, to know that we have all these things that belong only to us.

I’m listening to Sound Fragment’s 陌生城市的早晨 and it’s perfect. It’s the kind of thing you plug into when you’re driving through a strange, endless road with the dawn breaking over the horizon. In half an hour or so, it’s going to be like that. At first it’s a faint indigo lightening by the minute, with fading starlight; then it all blooms into a warm amber, like dark honey, peppered with clouds drifting lazily through the sky; it’s a wonder to watch and a trick on the eye, because you know the sunrise is happening but you can’t quite tell; before you know it it’s morning — daylight — and everything’s begun.

I’m going to my first camp in the last two years, the first hotel camp in three, and my first with GenRev. It’s been a long and hectic road, waiting for the days and weeks and months to pass to this one. I’ve never been busier than this in my entire life, which only makes the next five days all the sweeter.

48 hours: scripting, storyboarding, shooting and editing the Marked’09 opening video. 10 hours: setting up the Games Day logistics for Rock Kidz. 2 hours: tearing down the Games Day logistics and prepping for next Sunday’s Sports Day. Many more hours: meetings upon meetings.

I’ve wondered whether I’m overstretching myself with so much ministry work. Maybe I’ll find out during Marked Camp. Maybe it’ll be a precursor for more ministry stuff coming my way. In any case, one thing is for sure: Jesus is in the midst of it. And He is the only thing my eyes are fixed on.

I believe you are the answer
To every tear I’ve cried
I believe that you are with me
My rising and my light

Give me strength when I am weary
Give me hope when I can’t see
Through the crosses I must carry
Lord, bind my heart to thee

That when all my days are over
and all my chores are done
I may see your risen Glory
Forever where You are

Corrinne May, ‘The Answer‘ (melody adapted from Gustav Holst’s Planets Suite “Jupiter”)

Not much to say — except that I’m loving this song.

We’re rising up in spirit and in truth
A living sacrifice we worship You
People undivided Lord hear us sing
We are Yours and You are our King

This is our love
Hearts joined as one
Desperate for all You are
Lord break down these walls
And see how we love
Desperate for all You are
We chase Your heart

We didn’t come to leave here entertained
Or worship under any other name
We’re crying out for You alone
You are holy Lord

Hillsong United, Desperate People

My laptop’s a mess. I’ve been spending the last week or so trying to fix it — first it was an incomprehensible speed problem, starting with Google Chrome behaving worse than Internet Explorer on its worst days. Eventually things began slowing down to a point the entire system would freeze. After countless forced reboots, malware scans and ninja Googling, it’s now come down to a .NET Framework failure of epic proportions. So I’ve been reinstalling Windows Installer, the various versions of .NET Framework, removing, reinstalling, etc (rinse and repeat); right now I’m running Windows in safe mode so everything’s lightning fast, except with some inconveniences such as the lack of sound and well, basically everything else.

I’m pretty much convinced that these technical problems are not coincidental, considering how ministry work is stepping up to a level that I’ve not experienced in the past eight years of being in church. Not only that, I’m seeing a beloved friendship crumble among other stirrings in the personal arena of things; God is the only thing holding my sanity together in these rather tumultuous times.

I don’t even know how to even begin writing about it. Maybe it’s part of the threshing — separating wheat from the chaff. I thought it was an essential part of my life to be perpetually connected to the internet and be busy with what I thought I needed in order to live life fully and meaningfully; now, literally disconnected and out-of-touch, I’m discovering that I can easily leave it all behind. What is the point of Facebook or Twitter or being up-to-date with the latest news, gadgets, trends and videos when it does nothing else than keep you immersed in pop culture at the cost of real human connection?

I don’t crave the latest fix of scandals, natural disasters, memes or viral videos. I don’t need to know about the Imma-Let-You-Finishes or Ris Low’s latest foot-in-mouth tragicomedies. I don’t have to know all this so I can sound clever when I name-drop or try and assert my cutting-edge, in-the-know, tapped-into-the-vein ins-and-outs of the social media ebb-and-flow.

I really don’t.

When God brought back Desperate People to my memory recently, everything flashed back to the first and only time I heard it on stage. And listening to the song again reminded me of what is really important: coming back to that place of worship. Realising that beyond ministry, beyond the hundred things we are responsible for, beyond what we imagine to be pertinent or urgent, beyond all of that and more, nothing is more crucial than the simple act of worshipping Him. Sometimes we tend to dress it all up, with fancy guitars or pitch-perfect singing, but it’s really about stripping it all away and coming to Him just as we are.

Even if my writing’s all over the place or my life is disintegrating around me, tonight I’m just going to acknowledge that I’m desperate. Desperate for all that He is.

And that will be all that I need to do.

It’s been an insanely busy few weeks, so much so that blog writing, or even writing for that matter, has kind of fallen by the wayside. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll forget how to write the way I usually do if I stop doing it long enough. Or whether I’ve lost the desire to blog for the sake of writing about my life.

Not only that, my system has been giving me massive problems — freezes, extremely slow (and frustrating) performance, weird errors — that even simple things like watching a video on YouTube or scrolling through the list of updates on Facebook are severe tests to the patience.

Ministry work has been increasing exponentially, and it’s been nothing short of an acceleration considering that I wasn’t serving at the beginning of the year. A short talk with Cheryl as we taxied home after Darrell’s birthday dinner made me see how it’s just going to get even more exciting with new responsibilities and opportunities to grow even more. God is just pulling me out of my comfort zone and putting me in situations where I’m constantly coming to this place of being absolutely certain of my inability. Learning how to lean harder.

Really, this life is not my own to live. Naturally speaking, it’s an irreconciliable concept to practical living; shouldn’t I be looking out for myself? Isn’t it my responsibility to my family and loved ones to put my interests first? Why should anyone put themselves out there or put their lot in with a seemingly archaic system for the sake of establishing a cultural identity or community-based support?

But the truth is, these aren’t the right questions.

The real issue, I reckon, is that even though in my circumstances I am brought low, seeing whirlwinds in what I thought was an iron-clad friendship and realising that ‘enough time’ is such an alien concept to me, I want to know this: am I still able to praise God and to walk each day with His joy and peace?

Maybe, some days will seem that everything is a little too much for me. But my prayer is that my response to that question will always be a ‘Yes’.

“They will be my people, and I will be their God. I will give them singleness of heart and action, so that they will always fear me for their own good and the good of their children after them. I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good to them, and I will inspire them to fear me, so that they will never turn away from me. I will rejoice in doing them good and will assuredly plant them in this land with all my heart and soul.

This is what the LORD says: As I have brought all this great calamity on this people, so I will give them all the prosperity I have promised them.  Once more fields will be bought in this land of which you say, ‘It is a desolate waste, without men or animals, for it has been handed over to the Babylonians.’ Fields will be bought for silver, and deeds will be signed, sealed and witnessed in the territory of Benjamin, in the villages around Jerusalem, in the towns of Judah and in the towns of the hill country, of the western foothills and of the Negev, because I will restore their fortunes,  declares the LORD.” Jeremiah 32:38-44

so you want to be a writer

if it doesn’t come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don’t do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don’t do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don’t do it.
if you’re doing it for money or
fame,
don’t do it.
if you’re doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don’t do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don’t do it.
if it’s hard work just thinking about doing it,
don’t do it.
if you’re trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.

if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you’re not ready.

don’t be like so many writers,
don’t be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don’t be dull and boring and
pretentious, don’t be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don’t add to that.
don’t do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don’t do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don’t do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

- Charles Bukowski

Sometimes I wonder..

Organised a cookout with the special people over the Hari Raya long weekend. Managed to get the house in habitable living conditions with help from the girl the night before and on Monday afternoon it was grocery shopping with the strange couple Darrell & Denise, as well as Hanyang and Shaw Ming!

We also celebrated Joseph’s birthday and a good time was had by all; didn’t have time to take photos of everything and most of the awesome ones in the evening were taken by Darrell. Missing here is the baked salmon on lemon and garlic (seasoned with shoyu or olive oil), the garlic butter on toasted focaccia and the potatoes au gratin!

Thank you everyone for blessing me by coming. I hope you had as much fun as I did!

Darrell slicing onions for the French onion soup while Denise chops up some focaccia

Managed not to slice his finger off

Jieyun peeling the onions

Yuyan taking over onion slicing duties

HY peeling potatoes and Shaw Ming mincing garlic

D&D preparing pasta

Mabel arriving with donuts

Sliced potatoes for the au gratin dish

Shaw Ming butchering the poor garlic

Yosh & Cheryl with the best seats in the house

Denise’s awesome pasta

Sautéed portobello & fresh button mushrooms with onions

D&D, The Selby style

Darrell grilling sausages

Old English sausages (love this grill pan!)

Caramelised onions (this is after 3 hours) for French onion soup

Sausages over sautéed mushrooms & onions

Salmon sashimi & avocado salad

Yuyan & Yosh

Yukie with tangible thought bubble

Joseph

<3

Sisters

Yukie on my mom’s trampoline

The big kid joins in

Surpriiiiise

HY & Shaw Ming use the force on Joseph

He thought the cake was for someone else

He was indeed surprised

Making a wish

For the memories

Cutting cake time!

Life-changing cake from Awfully Chocolate

Cheryl impersonating Joni Mitchell

Just love the composition of this shot

Strange people in my room

But lovely for helping out with all the cleaning up after!

I found this poster lying in one of my boxes when I was spending eight hours cleaning out my room for the cookout last Monday. To be completely honest, I actually nicked it off the back of a washroom cubicle door in the Acer Arena during last year’s Hillsong Conference.

It’s  a bit beat up, having lived in my haversack and travelled across the oceans from Sydney to Singapore. Creased and nicked in some places. Rebelled against the blu-tack because it was rolled up for so long. But there’s something I love about it; maybe it’s because it has a certain history about it. Maybe because it wasn’t bought in a store and was obtained through a bit of reckless daring, and thus more appealing. Maybe it’s because I love old things — even though I loathe hype and ‘vintage’ being all the rage still — because of the dozens of little stories contained in them. My eyes light up when I spot a used CD/DVD shop… maybe someone cried to that Tori Amos record, or kissed someone they loved when they were playing the Smiths, or watched the Texas sunset from their car windows to Explosions in the Sky.

I can’t help but wonder if they ever imagined the future when these old things were new to them… what would they have thought or felt when they could see then, whatever is happening around us in the world now? Would they be amazed or baffled at the world we live in today? What will my sons or daughters think when they look at a first-generation iPhone or a Moleskine journal? What kind of world would I have left them, twenty or thirty years on?

It’s a funny time to be this introspective, especially when this season of my life is seeing exponential increase in ministry. I’ve come to realise that all of is beyond me — that it is all so completely beyond my own abilities that only God can make it work. The truth is that I am really only a vessel. A vessel that carries His spirit and walks in His will and desires to see the destiny placed in me be fulfilled in the measure of fullness that only God can encompass.

Wisdom and favour. Romans 8:28. Stretching. Being a ready vessel. These are the hallmarks of this season. And He is always faithful.

I was telling a brother last night that it is that moment when we realise that in and of ourselves we are wholly unable that God steps in. It becomes all God and none of self. Decreasing so that He can increase. So that everything that has put into our hands — however small and seemingly insignificant — will bear fruit. Anything and everything apart from Jesus will wither away and be burnt.

“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:4-5

Little did that brother know that those words I spoke to him became food for myself. I above all others need to hear it. So many things have been placed in my hands in these past couple of months that it has become increasingly clear to me that I… cannot. I am unable. I have no ability or skill or good success apart from Him.

But I am strengthened in the grace of God, filled with a peace and joy that surpasses understanding, blessed with wisdom and favour, and walk in His will, all by no merit of my own; the reason for all of it is contained in the cross of Calvary.

I am witnessing the dektos year for me, and I am nothing, if anything, but grateful (it’s a two out of three, already).

“Take away the dross from the silver,
and the smith has material for a vessel;
take away the wicked from the presence of the king,
and his throne will be established in righteousness.”
Proverbs 25:4-5